Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself anymore as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc.
This has been one of the hardest sentences that I’ve ever had to write and I write it with an immense amount of guilt, sorrow, and a heavy heart…
“I was unable to take care of my daughter on my own for almost two weeks.”
There. I said it.
As a mother, that has and was one of the hardest things for me to admit. As a mother, I didn’t want to have to need help. As a mother, I wanted to be able to solely provide for my baby girl when she needed me the most. And as a mother, I fear I failed her.
My 3 year old daughter got her tonsils and adenoids taken out about two weeks ago…she needed care 24/7 for that first week to week and a half, and I was unable to take care of her on my own after a few days. Being unable to provide for my family, not only is one of the biggest blows to my ego but it makes me question everything I’ve done thus far in life as a chronically ill mother.
Could I have done more? Could I have dug deeper? No, I honestly don’t think so, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I don’t get to be the mom that I always thought I would be. It doesn’t take away the fact that my life is a constant uphill battle, and that although, my body doesn’t want to work, I HAVE to be there for my kids. I WANT to be there for them.
I feel I’ve been robbed. I wonder how many more times I will be robbed? I wonder how many moments I will miss because I’m too sick to experience them with my children? I wonder how many moments they will be robbed of when their mother is not able to be present?
It’s been a really long time since I’ve written a blog and actually published it. I have many that I’ve written over the months for my own sanity, but I haven’t felt that they were ready to be published yet.
But I know a lot of you would like an update and some of you need an update. Maybe some of you are even asking yourself, “why isn’t she better, yet?”
I know that most of you do not know that a lot of my infections have come back. Most of you do not know that I am pretty sick again. Most of you do not know that my lab results were anything but promising. Most of you do not know that the fatigue and the pain have set in and my pain level seems to be back at about an 8 or 9. And, I’ve also had some alarming heart results come back. The passing out has begun again, and I’ve been told I could have a heart attack or stroke at any moment. What would you do?
I decided to put everything on hold until after Christmas. Then it was after Amelia’s surgery. Yesterday, it dawned on me that admitting I am getting sicker and not treating are just delaying the inevitable and that there will never be a GOOD time to start treatment again. It’s never going to be easy, affordable, or long lasting. It took me months to accept this, and I’m still processing it all.
So, now I’ve come to a fork in the road.
When you are unable to take care of your daughter 24/7 and need help, you know it’s not good. But, I’ve exhausted all efforts and I am not finding relief. I’m not bouncing back.
What else is there left to try? How many more diagnosis am I going to receive before I die? How many of them will be incurable and cost a fortune to treat just in hopes of remission?
People tell me this too shall pass, hang in there it will get better, have faith, pray harder, ask for a miracle, never give up, keep fighting and all of these are great things to say, but unfortunately I’m losing hope.
I’ve prayed till I’m blue in the face. I’ve asked God to work a miracle on me even when I felt unworthy of it…someone always has it worse, right? I’ve researched everything I can and I am a walking book of terms and definitions, but the knowledge and the prayers are not proving to be effective enough.
No, I’m not giving up. Yes, I’m angry with God. No, I have not lost my faith. Yes, there are days when I am ready to die. No, I am not suicidal. Yes, heaven sounds wonderful. No, I’m not ready to stop being angry. Yes, eventually I will let it go.
Life is full of choices. I’ve tried my damnedest to choose wisely. To take the higher road. To be positive and encouraging. To be there for others that are suffering. I will continue to share what I know and I will continue to help those even though at this current moment, I can’t even seem to help myself or my own family. But, you bet your ass I can help direct someone and inform them all there is to know about Lyme Disease, and right now, my children and helping others are the reason I wake up each morning and why I haven’t given up.
I’ve decided I am going to use the resources I have here already to begin treatment again. This makes me extremely nervous because as I begin to kill my active infections I will have what is called “die off” and they become extremely toxic and hard on my body and I will become even sicker before I will get better. I will be “herxing” and “detoxing” A LOT. I am afraid there will be days that I won’t be able to move or get out of bed, but I can feel my body rapidly declining and I can tell that I am getting worse again. I am having to deal with several active infections, along with pneumonia and various other issues and before I decline further, I need to stop the infections from growing and spreading and harming my immune system even more.
So, I have a plan in place. I will be quite sick, sicker than even now for months until I start feeling better again. And, for those of you that aren’t familiar it will be a lot like chemotherapy if I were to have cancer.
So, I am willing to get extremely sick…won’t be able to move sick, in order to gain what I have lost. I am willing to do anything at this point because for a good year after treatment things were getting better, and now I cannot afford to let them get any worse. I would appreciate prayers, encouragement, and love for our family as this is going to be an extremely trying time for all involved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.