I choose to live and I choose to fight,
Everyday to do what is right.
I fight hard not to throw my hands up in the air and just scream,
But I’ve got to be strong and calm for my family.
I smile through the tears and the pain, because I don’t want to make anyone close to me suffer again.
I lie through my teeth with the “I’m okay” and “I’m doing fine” because it’s easier to lie then to see them question WHY?
I may not look sick,
I may smile through the tears,
But if I could I would fast forward through these years,
I would without hesitation,
It’s not because I lack motivation,
But to put it simply…
I am tired.
Tired, weak, and running on an empty tank.
I can’t even remember a time when I felt alive, to be frank.
Maybe five years ago?
No, more like 15, but who’s counting?
I don’t really know.
If only you could really see ME,
See my insides, my taxed organs, my toxic blood pumping through my hardened heart.
I’ve made progress and I know that’s a start, but I didn’t know how hard survival was going to be.
Nothing could have prepared me.
So tonight, I am removing my mask so you can really see.
Can you see me now?
Can you hear me?
God, can you hear me crying, how?
This can’t be it.
My journey can’t be like this on repeat.