I’ve had one of THOSE days, you know what I’m talking about….an official day from hell.
Everything that could go wrong did. I won’t get into the details and air my dirty laundry to the world, but I can’t help and stop and think to myself, “how the hell did I get here?”
As I heard children playing outside our unpacked, chaotic house this afternoon I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. As I am drowning in my tears and sorrow, again, I ask, “how did I get here?” What went wrong? Where did I miss a step? What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why us? How could I have prevented this?
My biggest concern everyday is making sure I wake up and do as much as I can (like I have to prove something to myself) and as I do this I am missing all the fun because my main thought and goal is purely SURVIVAL.
I don’t know about you, but I have started dreading weekends because it’s so draining. How sad is that? I am incredibly jealous of all of the moms out there that can ride their bikes with their children, go to the park, run around and play ball, I ENVY you. I want that. The life that I’m living now is not me living…it’s me surviving. I want to LIVE. I don’t want my kids to think that their mommy is a bad mommy, or my husband to think his wife isn’t fulfilling his needs.
I’m going to be brutally honest, I am extremely happy to finally have a home, but moving freaking sucks. It’s never ending. It’s draining and it’s so frustrating because I see things that NEED to be done but don’t have the energy to do them. This is supposed to be an exciting and happy time in our lives…but I feel nothing but fear, anxiety, disappointment (in myself), envy, and regret. I regret being a burden to my family. I have such an immense guilt that will not go away for anyone that has helped me in the past year and a half. I have guilt for not being a good mother and for not being a good wife.
How can I help others when I can’t even help myself? How can I be positive and inspiring when I’ve had a day like today?
I see so many families on different social medias that are traveling or going on little adventures here and there, and instead of me being happy for all of you I am jealous. I will be the first to admit it. Jealous that I couldn’t do it even if we had the means, and jealous that we don’t actually have the means to do it anyways. Let me set the record straight, it’s not that I’m not happy for all of you…it’s just that I can’t help but be envious. As 32 quickly approaches I look back on my life. And for the first 25 years I LIVED. I got to travel, and learn, and exercise, and eat whatever I wanted, and to just be a free spirit. The artistic, creative, free spirit that I was born to be that also could get me into trouble, but boy did I LIVE and was it worth it.
If I had known that my life was going to turn out like this I would have done more LIVING. My quality of life isn’t good…it’s not as bad as it was this time last year, but it’s not good. It’s depressing and pathetic. I feel like a waste of space…it’s hard to admit that I feel that way, but I do. Everyone one else is living and I’m static watching the world pass me by.
Stuck. Miserable. Pathetic. Embarrassed. Regretful. Angry. Envious and most importantly, SACRED. Is this my life now? Does my world have to revolve around detoxing and supplements? Will it be like that forever?
Or will I one day be able to say, “What a wonderful life we have, I’m so glad we got here.”