Say hello to the new me…

When your good intentions become your worst enemy, you know you are in trouble. We are currently closing on our soon-to be-home (yay!) and the current owners have allowed us to start working on it now, and yesterday really helped put things into perspective for me. Just cleaning the house for a few hours put me in a downward spiral to hell.  

  
Boy, was it a wake up call and a slap in the face for me to realize that I can’t do what I want to do. It’s a harsh reality, but I cannot be the person I want to be or used to be. 

There, I said it. 

You would think I would feel lighter and even more at peace for admitting my limitations, but I guess my pride is still getting in the way. Admitting that, doesn’t change my circumstances, but it can change my outlook if I’m open to it.  

  
One thing I did realize yesterday is that although I can not do what I once was able to do SO easily, that I still have options. I can pout and feel sorry for myself, or I can be the best person that I know how to be now. Obviously, it’s not where I want to be and it’s a balancing act and one that I am still desperately trying to figure out. But, my hubby did remind me that this time last year I was bed-bound and practically unable to walk. Simple daily tasks that most people take for granted can put me in bed for days. I have never been very good at sitting still, and it’s so hard for me not to be able to help and contribute like I want.  

  
This month has been very humbling and it’s only February 4. I have had to admit that I can’t do many of the things that I used to do. Does this mean that I will never be able to do them again? No, I don’t think so…but it’s definitely been a slow progression despite my dedication and diligence.  
  
Regardless the hand that I’ve been dealt, one thing always remains…hope. I am not giving up this fight anytime soon and in fact it has just motivated me to try harder and to work harder at bettering myself. I will admit, I’m on a slippery slope. I WILL have my bad days, but I am happy to share that my bad days are becoming less and less and my good days are becoming more and more. Will I ever be “normal”? Probably not, but let’s face it…have I ever actually been “normal”?  
 

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