Debbie Downer here…

I wish I could blog about puppies and flowers and newborn baby giggles, but I’m just not there yet. Emotionally and physically, this week has left me in a bad place. When I say “bad place” I don’t mean, “my dark thoughts are going to push me to do something I will regret.” I just simply mean, I’m in a dark place. 

I’ve found myself searching for anything to pass the time. For instance, when I wake up in the morning I wake up exhausted. I feel bad and I don’t improve throughout the day…so then I find myself thinking, “tomorrow will be better, hurry up and get here, tomorrow.” Unfortunately, that’s not the case and I’ve realized that I’m wishing my life away. 

It’s hard to admit that I’m not healthy and that I am sick. It’s hard for me to admit that I can’t do the things that I used to be able to do so easily before. It’s hard for me to admit that I may always feel the opposite of normal and healthy. It’s hard for me to admit, that I compare my burdens with other people or families and wonder “why me, why us?” It’s hard for me to admit that I’m spending a small fortune to remain in a place that I’m not happy with (health wise). It’s hard for me to admit that I’m weak and angry. It’s even harder for me to admit that I may never work again. It’s hard for me to admit that I am not always positive and hopeful. It’s hard for me to admit that my children may have this very same disease. It’s hard for me to admit that my heart breaks a million times over when I think about what they may have to go through. It’s the hardest for me to admit that there isn’t a cure. It’s hard for me to admit, that all of my friends that have lyme that I know personally, aren’t in remission and still are trying to find that magic cure. It’s hard for me to admit, that people die from this disease almost everyday. It’s even harder for me to admit, that I will probably die at an early age from this disease as it has destroyed and damaged many important organs over the years. It’s hard for me to admit that I am extremely bitter. It’s really hard for me to admit that I am one of the best actresses that I know, and it’s too bad acting doesn’t pay the bills. 

One thing I can easily admit, is that life is hard and short. I do know that I am stronger because of this disease. I do know that my family is closer. I do know that we have been blessed tremendously with funds to continue my treatments. I do know that I am better than I was. And I do know that it could always be worse. 

The rest I am unsure of, and to be honest, I’m scared. 

The number one question that floats around in my head is this…”Why do good things happen to bad people and why do bad things happen to good people?” I don’t think I will ever understand. I have faith and I know that God is here, but I don’t understand why this has to happen?  

 
Yes, things have been put into perspective. Yes, I realize not to take life for granted along with various other things. Yes, I do still believe that God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. Yes, I believe that there is a reason for this happening. Yes, I believe it’s all in God’s hands. But, when I see people smoking, drinking, eating junk, being horrible to their children, and never showing any appreciation for life and taking it for granted, I can’t help but get angry.

So

Many

Questions 

and so few answers.  

 
This is me being a full blown Debbie Downer, and I think that’s ok. I think it’s okay to show weakness and admit when you are at your breaking point. 

I am at my breaking point.  

  
This too shall pass, this period of negativity will be short lived. I will find peace, comfort, and happiness again. Sometimes a good vent is needed in order to move on and grow. 

My vent is over. Thanks for listening. 

 

   

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8 thoughts on “Debbie Downer here…

  1. I believe that we must mourn our past lives before we can move on. That means moving through the denial, anger, etc. that you are experiencing as you realize that the life you had before is gone and will probably never return. The future is unknown and that makes it even scarier and, in turn, makes us angrier. Especially since we feel so wronged by the way this disease has been mishandled. I have been in your shoes and felt what you feel and it is very real. It took time for me to accept that I had lost 8 very valuable years and that my life will probably be shortened because of it. Now I watch my children, and possibly my granddaughter, fight their battles. Just keep the hope that soon, the shift will change and a cure will be found that will help you and the generations to come. Just have that pity party once in a while if it makes you feel better. We are all here to listen and agree.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Jeez isolation is the hardest to deal with.. I worry that part will never get easier.. but I wanted to tell you that you’ve spoken to my mom Kathy Ammon and it’s pretty serendipitous that I had already found your blog, at least i’m trying to think it is.. because i’m considering Envita and I just finished reading your posts about it and i’m terrified, but it was nice and helpful reading your posts. I just hope I can make a decision.

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      2. I just added you on fb too. I can give you all sorts of tips and pointers. I think the way it sounds you need to treat it aggressively in the beginning and then back off and start building up your immune system. I still have a fairly low immune system so that is my goal now. If you ever want to talk I’m always here. And I’m an open book and don’t get embarrassed so you can ask away.

        And I don’t know if you have faith, but I am giving that one all to God that he connected us together without even me realizing I was talking to your mother. I also read your blog. I too can relate. I was telling your mom some of my best friends are friends I haven’t even met but they became my friends through the Internet.

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      3. I would love any information or help you can give. I literally have no idea if I can do it but I want to so badly. Honestly I’m trying to find my faith, I basically combine Buddhism with Christianity but im still struggling. Thank you for talking to my mom and reaching out 🙂 i’ll be messaging you soon!

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  2. I’m right there with you.. i feel the exact same way and don’t know how to stop it! I don’t think I got the chance to mourn my old life.. hell my parents/care givers are always talking about how i’ll be better and back to my old self.. but i don’t really believe that. I’ve been sick for years.. i’m glad there is someone who gets down besides me. The dark place is full of us lymies so your never alone.

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