I wish I could blog about puppies and flowers and newborn baby giggles, but I’m just not there yet. Emotionally and physically, this week has left me in a bad place. When I say “bad place” I don’t mean, “my dark thoughts are going to push me to do something I will regret.” I just simply mean, I’m in a dark place.
I’ve found myself searching for anything to pass the time. For instance, when I wake up in the morning I wake up exhausted. I feel bad and I don’t improve throughout the day…so then I find myself thinking, “tomorrow will be better, hurry up and get here, tomorrow.” Unfortunately, that’s not the case and I’ve realized that I’m wishing my life away.
It’s hard to admit that I’m not healthy and that I am sick. It’s hard for me to admit that I can’t do the things that I used to be able to do so easily before. It’s hard for me to admit that I may always feel the opposite of normal and healthy. It’s hard for me to admit, that I compare my burdens with other people or families and wonder “why me, why us?” It’s hard for me to admit that I’m spending a small fortune to remain in a place that I’m not happy with (health wise). It’s hard for me to admit that I’m weak and angry. It’s even harder for me to admit that I may never work again. It’s hard for me to admit that I am not always positive and hopeful. It’s hard for me to admit that my children may have this very same disease. It’s hard for me to admit that my heart breaks a million times over when I think about what they may have to go through. It’s the hardest for me to admit that there isn’t a cure. It’s hard for me to admit, that all of my friends that have lyme that I know personally, aren’t in remission and still are trying to find that magic cure. It’s hard for me to admit, that people die from this disease almost everyday. It’s even harder for me to admit, that I will probably die at an early age from this disease as it has destroyed and damaged many important organs over the years. It’s hard for me to admit that I am extremely bitter. It’s really hard for me to admit that I am one of the best actresses that I know, and it’s too bad acting doesn’t pay the bills.
One thing I can easily admit, is that life is hard and short. I do know that I am stronger because of this disease. I do know that my family is closer. I do know that we have been blessed tremendously with funds to continue my treatments. I do know that I am better than I was. And I do know that it could always be worse.
The rest I am unsure of, and to be honest, I’m scared.
The number one question that floats around in my head is this…”Why do good things happen to bad people and why do bad things happen to good people?” I don’t think I will ever understand. I have faith and I know that God is here, but I don’t understand why this has to happen?
Yes, things have been put into perspective. Yes, I realize not to take life for granted along with various other things. Yes, I do still believe that God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. Yes, I believe that there is a reason for this happening. Yes, I believe it’s all in God’s hands. But, when I see people smoking, drinking, eating junk, being horrible to their children, and never showing any appreciation for life and taking it for granted, I can’t help but get angry.
and so few answers.
I am at my breaking point.
My vent is over. Thanks for listening.