Let’s be honest, Wes and I never ever imagined in a thousand years that we would be where we are now. At the ages of 32 and 31, we thought our biggest concern would be potty training, parenting, paying the bills, etc, and not once did we ever think that I would be dying or that I would need treatment that would have me away from my home and family for over two months and that he would be a single dad during that entire time.
We never dreamed that this is where we would be. We could have never ever prepared for something like this. And, there are times still to this day that we get angry and ask, why? Why us? Why this? It’s very easy for us to tell ourselves, ” we are good people, we don’t deserve this.” But, no one deserves this. No one should have to endure this pain and torment and heartache.
Yes, we have and will still continue to get mad at God on occasion, question why us, and never fully understand the situation. We especially can’t understand if our children end up being symptomatic of this horrible disease and the struggles that they may have to endure. It’s heartbreaking. They are so innocent in all of this, and we are so weak sometimes with our faith.
It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves and be angry. Wes and I both struggled this week. I am homesick and ready to see my family, and they are ready for me to be home. It was also hard because of the infection I got and the setback I had this week. I found myself saying, “Really God, another thing for my body to have to fight off?”
But, then I am reminded by so many people and also my heart and soul tell me that God has never left us. We can’t plan our lives, we can’t control sickness just as much as we can’t control the weather. I think that if anything, this situation has brought me closer to God, and closer to my family. And more honest with myself. I see Wes working so hard to keep our family afloat. I see my extended family and friends helping anyway they can. It has brought us all closer to one another and along the way I have been able to educate and make people aware of the dangers of Lyme disease and the prevention that can take place to avoid getting sick. I wish I would have known the signs, maybe I wouldn’t be so sick now?
Anyways, I’m writing this blog to admit to everyone, including myself, that I am weak. I get angry, I get frustrated, and there are days I want to give up. But, God won’t allow for that to happen. He is always here and He is my strength. I know He has HUGE plans for me and for my family. We all fall short and we all have bad days, but it’s how we rise from those obstacles that makes us stand out from the rest. I am stronger mentally now, than I have ever been. I can see the silver lining in every situation, but it may take me awhile to find it. It may take me awhile to bounce back even.
There is so much evil in this world, and I have to work so hard to make sure I don’t stay stuck in that cold, dark place and so does my family. I have asked so much of Wes to do this and to trust me, and I am so grateful for him and his love. I will also admit that I sometimes carry guilt with this situation. I’m not present, I left my family, I’m causing financial strain, and Wes needs me and so do my kids. But, what good am I to anyone if I can’t function?
My brain knows this has been a necessary treatment, but occasionally my heart will tell me otherwise. It’s a constant battle. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am, but I feel like I’m getting too much credit. I feel like Wes and my family back home, and my mom should be getting the credit.
This whole experience has been humbling. I have asked for help in ways that I never thought I would have to ask. I pray that God wraps his arms around my family. I have now become friends with people through social media that have died from Lyme Disease. More and more celebrities are coming out and saying that they have it, like Avril and Ashley Olsen. I see the effects of Lyme Disease on so many people now since joining support groups and always think, “it could be worse.” I am blessed to be able to receive treatment and I thank God everyday for this opportunity.
The results at this treatment facility are amazing. People that couldn’t remember anything for the past three to four years of their life now remember everything after treatment. Some people couldn’t walk and now they walk out the doors on their last day, happy and excited to be alive. I know that will be me in a few weeks. This journey wasn’t created for me without a purpose. I am not suffering without reason. It’s just sometimes we don’t always know the reason or see it when it’s taking place.
There is so much hope for us Lymies that we must never give up. Because when we give up, it means we’ve lost the fight. So, here I am being open and sincere and weak, admitting to myself, to my family, to God, and to strangers that I am sometimes not strong enough or faithful enough. I know I have to overcome these obstacles and it doesn’t matter how I get there, but it’s something that I am prepared to fight for.
I just felt like it was time to admit my weakness and give Wes and my mom all the credit because without these two, I wouldn’t be here today. And without the rest of my family and friends, I would be lost. And without my faith and God, I would have given up a looooooooong time ago.
And as always, thank you for believing in me and having faith when mine is sometimes shaky. I know I can defeat this and go into remission, but I couldn’t do it without all of you wonderful people. God bless.