Today, my heart is heavy. I woke up after a night of not sleeping good with a horrible migraine, stiff joints, and a sadness in my heart. I am so scared today! Usually, I can be tough and strong and confident that I can beat this, but today, I feel like it has already beaten me.
I am so scared…what if this doesn’t work? What if I let everyone, including my family, down? This was my last resort! If this doesn’t work than I just really can’t imagine surviving. So many people, friends, family, students, and complete strangers have put their faith and trust in me and what if I let all of you down?
What if I let my husband down? He will have had the kids as a single dad for a total of nine weeks…maybe more, when this is said and done, what if he sacrificed so much and it’s not successful? What if I put my children through this and it’s not successful?
What is successful? I don’t even know. I know I will always have this disease but the point is for it to go into remission. What if it doesn’t?
I have so much doubt and worry today. I still have faith and I know God is in control, but today is just one of those days. I KNOW I need to give these burdens over to Him, but today for some reason I am holding onto them.
It’s just so taxing and grueling on my mind and body to be out here doing these extreme treatments almost everyday. I had one week where things were getting better, but since then it’s been hard and painful. They told me it would be. I just didn’t want to hear it or believe them. They compared it to a roller coaster ride, and it truly is. It’s something that I will probably never fully be able to explain…this whole process, or journey to anyone and maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s better you don’t fully understand what I’m going through?
I miss my family so much. I miss my home and my bed and Gus. I miss people I haven’t even met, and I miss our next door neighbor. I miss the smells and tastes and sounds. I miss the whining and crying of my children when I used to think they were being ornery, and I miss their laughs and hugs. I miss my husband like I have never ever imagined possible, it’s such an awful feeling. I miss my dad and their annoying dog that barks at it’s own shadow. I miss my friends and my car. I miss our red door and the trees in our backyard that are beautiful when they bloom, but stink something fierce. I miss going to church and seeing the same church family. My heart aches for everything home. I have never felt such an emptiness before until I got here. I wish so badly that my hubby, P, and A could be out here with me. But, I know it’s for the best that they are not.