Okay, here goes…
I’ve been prolonging writing this blog for weeks and weeks and weeks, but now it’s just really heavy on my heart and I think it’s time I give it up. In fact, I know it is. I need to focus only on the things that make me happy and on getting better. No more negativity, disappointment, and sadness.
For quite some time, I’ve realized that when someone gets really sick, you start to notice things. Things you ignored before or weren’t bothered by before, or you never even questioned the possibility that this could happen. And suddenly, your eyes are opened and you realize…
For instance, what I have noticed very very easily this past year or more is that the people I thought would be there for me are not, and those that I haven’t talked to in years have been. Now, let me clarify. Some people have been there every step of the way and I knew they would be. But, I have been shocked and disappointed by some of my “friends” who haven’t even really talked to me, let alone shown any support. I’ve heard this before, “you find out who your real friends are when you get really sick” but unfortunately, at that time it didn’t mean much to me. I couldn’t relate to it, until now.
But now, like I said, I can relate and I am shocked by some of my findings. Yes, we are all busy. Yes, we all work. Yes, we all have families of some sort. Yes, we all have our own stories. I agree totally.
But, when people from my high school (whom I haven’t had a relationship with in years) are reaching out to me offering to help in anyway possible while others (that have been my friends for years) don’t even ask if I need anything is mind boggling. That goes for not only for my “friends” but also people of authoritative figures in my life. It saddens me and makes me for a second want to give up on humanity, that is until one of my true friends or even a stranger offers to help in some way, or even offers an ear to listen.
So, I’m done with all the B.S. For once in my life, I need to focus on me. This was your decision not mine, I was just the one that got smart about it and finally realized I was wasting my time and energy that I literally physically don’t have anymore. I have made, or am trying to make peace with it. I know it will be hard, but I need to get better and if that means letting go, than I will let go.
Thankfully, there is a silver lining, I have been astonished by all of the people that have helped me through this experience. I do have some of the best friends I could ever ask for. I also have some of the most supportive family members and community members I could ever ask for. You guys are my rocks and have helped me realize that I need to get better for myself, for my family, for my friends, and for even the strangers out there that have now become my friends.
I have so much motivation and so much support that I know I can defeat this disease and I will do it for myself, but I will also do it for you guys because I know you believe in me.