Not a good day…But there may be hope. 

Today, I have thought several times that I was actually dying. I couldn’t move or walk or feel my legs. I couldn’t even walk to the kitchen to get a drink. I even passed out or blacked out on my way back from the bathroom. I have started shaking uncontrollably and I have never been so scared. I called my specialist this morning and he told me not to be on anything for a few days, no supplements or vitamins or anything. I was already feeling so bad with all this new stress that had arised that I decided to not take anything for awhile already. So today was day number 5 of nothing, but I’m spiraling into a black hole. Getting worse and not better. One of frustration, anger, despair, pain, agony, and I am scared. Scared I am going to die. My body feels like it’s shutting down. I can only think of my kids and my family to help give me what little strength and hope I have left. I cannot do this for two to three years or possibly more! I’m much worse than I thought and I’m much worse than we had ever imagined. I have been doing a lot of research on more agressive ways to get a good control of my disease. It seems there is a facility out in Arizonia that will run thorough tests, and aggressively fight the Lyme and any other coinfections that I might have. People come out of this place dancing because it’s the first time in years they finally feel good. Don’t get me wrong, the protocol is agressive and it would put me through hell, but in my mind it’s worth it. I want to see my kids grow up and enjoy it with them. I have already missed out on too much since I got really sick in July and I just can’t stand it. My husband and family would benefit from this aggressive treatment and I would finally have control back. There are some problems with it. The first problem being it’s in Arizona. It would take 8-10 weeks of treatments 24/7 with weekend breaks for your body to heal. They would pump me full of natural things and very powerful antibiotics. I would be incredibly sick. But, I have a friend that did it (she was the one dancing out of there like I mentioned before) and literally she was dancing at the airport once she was released because she felt so good. I can’t imagine leaving the hubby or P and A for that long, but I can hardly move or get out of bed now so I am already missing so much that in my mind it would be worth it. What good am I to anyone like this? I can’t even shower or comb my hair without collapsing from exhaustion. But, the most serious issue with this treatment is the cost. It could range from 50,000-80,000 dollars! But, can you really put a price on someone’s life? I don’t know how we could afford it. It seems impossible. But, I know if I want to get better I have to do this. I have been sick for almost my entire life. The quick and agressive plan is for me. The facility is amazing and I have no doubt I would come back and be the best wife, teacher, and most importantly the best mother I know I can be. I know God will figure out a way for this to happen. I’ve suffered too much and for too long. I know he will bless us and this family if he thinks this is the right path he will allow it to happen. My disease is just too far gone to control it with supplements and oral antibiotics. We have a lot to pray, talk, and think about in the next couple of weeks. 

I am about to show you something that terrifies me. I was home alone today and no one was answering their phones and I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it. I decided to record what was happening to me in case I was found later unconscious or worse. This is a side to me that many of you have never seen. It’s also raw, real, and gut wrenching. This is me vulnerable. This is me scared, tired, and concerned for my life. My purpose to share this is not to scare you, but to show you how fast I am falling and how quickly I need help. Click on the link below if you want to see it. No big deal if you don’t. 

Where are you God?


4 thoughts on “Not a good day…But there may be hope. 

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